..... Write.... 

.... Write something....

guh... just FUCKING WRITE SOMETHING.

I hate writers block. I hate it so much. Just when I think i find something to write about it goes away. So, I do this. Stream of conciousness. Kind of interesting because its a look right at my mind... though a lot of my entries are stream of conciousness.... I guess that is the point of a dia- blog. >.> 

I didnt do very much today. Bummed around and smoked pot. I was supposed to go to a consultation for my wisdom teeth but... It was mega snowy and, no way there. I called cabs for like a half hour, and couldnt get a hold of one. Instead of giving up sooner and walking, I wasted my time trying to be lazy. And thus, my appointment was canceled. The receptionist... was not pleased. Understandably so if you ask me. I could have called much sooner... 5 minutes to was a bit late. Oh well, My teeth arent hurting yet so... I guess its not bad. but its time for me to do this properly. I have to get that consultation done! My wisdom teeth have basicly come in fully. The top and botom ones on the right side of my mouth are fully visible. And the ones on the left are just budding through. So, I figure that I'll be okay for another month or maybe two, but I can't put it off any longer. If they ruin my teeth, which I don't look after well enough as is, it will be 4years of braces, 2 years of retainer, and 3k down the drain. I WONT LET THAT HAPPEN. I've started to take responsibility for myself, and so far I've been very good at it. Lets not break the habit!

Lately things have been moving a long. My room  is much less of a mess, and less often as well. I'm not late for work anymore. And things between the boyfriend and I are going ..... well they're ok.

SUDDENLY INSPIRED.

Yesterday. Yesterday was a bad day. My boyfriend and I had made plans that day to spend time together. Watch a movie, whatever you know fuck, the usual. He was supposed to call me after he'd finished his test at school. But he didn't. Now, I hate being stood up. I hate it more than anything in the world, but what I hate MORE is when people don't even have the decency to say "i'm not comming". So I waited and waited.... and waited.... no call. I'm fuming because he's never done this before. EVER. My boyfriend always answers the phone, and always calls, or at leasts texts. But nothing today. Okay. I figure it must be something important. Somethings come up, and he's not able to hang out. I'm still pissed but, trying to get over it. After all, I love the guy right.

I call my friend Evan, who is more than happy to hang out. Ahhh, good. At least now I'm not alone... waiting. Evan drives, and considering the bus strike, he's my best friend right now. We went to the mall so I could carouse the local EBgames. I traded in some games, and decided not to get anything. Its now, 4 oclock, I'd woken up at 10, expecting the call at around 11-12. As we went back to Evans house, I get a txt message. "hey. How are you?". 

...

Finally, he's alive at least. so i find out that he's really sorry, and he sent me a totally sweet text message..... but i'm still really mad. he tells me later that he didnt have an excuse. He "wasn't himself". I love my boyfriend I know that he's not perfect, but I really don't know why it wouldn't occur to him not to call. Especially when all he had done was "putter around all day." He even told me he had the time to try and get a hold of me, but didnt. So, Fuming... I'm trying not to just rip him apart. After all, It is the first time he's ever done it. So I forgive him, but I was still upset.

I was mostly upset because I hadn't seen him for 3 days because of my work. So that day i was really excited, and he let me down, and that really hurt. I know I can't stay mad at him forever, and I've forgiven him but... I just really hate it when people are so thoughtless....  But this story doesnt end all bad. I went to his house later that night. We talked things out, and I told him exactly how I felt... I really love him because I can be very blunt with him. And he doesnt just wither under the weight of my words. he made up and then he gave me a blowjob on the couch downstairs. :3 was uh... much fun.

He likes to suck balls. And its really hot when he does...

-Edi out- Vm

Guh so i'm not so hip at this keeping up my blog buisness it seems. So I'll write a new entry.

Not much has happened since my last entry, though the way i write it will seem otherwise. Spencer and I are still together... and still havent had sex yet. Timing is the most frustrating thing ever.... although like me, Spencer is very patient. Still, It would be nice if I could get the chance to, you know, FUCK MY BOYFRIEND without something comming up. Last time we tried I got kinda turned off cause he hadn't trimmed his fingernails... anyways...

Work Work Work. Currently my city is enduring a bus strike. All public transit has come to a stop. Cabs and paratranspo are still around, however one is expensive, and the other I don't exactly have the requisites to use. Maybe I'll remove a limb... least i won't have to walk to work. I've been contemplating learning how to drive... I know, 22 and I don't know how... kinda sad. Actually, to say I don't know how is not entirely true. However I don't have the legal documentation that ALLOWS me to drive without looking over my shoulder. So I spend most of my time inside playing video games. I never thought that I would come to find them boring, but I just am feeling so... done. That and I have no one to play them WITH other than Joe and smash bros. 

Speaking of Joe, we got into a slight quibble last night. He takes things really personally sometimes. He's been trying to teach me to get better at smash bros, specificly with shiek. I made it sound like I never enjoyed playing shiek, which isnt entirely true. I do like shiek, but when I first played brawl I realized how much her gameplay had changed and I lost faith. For some reason Joe took it apon himself to try and restore my lost faith. He remains adamant that he never forced my hand, which is true, but he was very adamant that I keep trying and not give up. So I didnt. Now that I AM better as shiek I enjoy her much more, but apon confessing the frustrations and tribulations of getting better, Joe seemed to think i was ungrateful for what he had done. This is when I was put in a tight spot. See. Part of me wants to say "get over yourself its just a video game. Your taking this way to seriously" and the other part is saying "well you ARE being a bit dramatic pj."  Sometimes I say really harsh and exagerated things about my feelings to get a reaction out of people. Aparantly Joe Bought into this a little too much and took it very literally.  

*sigh* At the end of the day we kind of resolved things... though I still think he took it way to personally... and it IS just a game. But I know that joe doesnt see things the same way... so I've learned to use discresion with my wording. 

Work work work. My job is mostly okay, but lately I've been more and more tired. Not tired of the job, or the staff, but physicly tired. Althought I did not sleep well last night. I really like my job, for the most part. Obviously there are days where I really hate it and want to go home (today was one of those days) but I do my best to take thins in stride. 

ahhh. so, i'm pretty much out of steam... like I said, not a lot has happened and I'm too tired to write about anything intersting so. Have this mediocre blog post. :P 

-Edi out- Vm

Stock build. Nothing exciting. Picture me sitting in front of a laptop. A bowl of rice to my left, my fingers typing absent mindedly. Waiting for inspiration. *sigh*

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my spare time. Sure I listen to piles of music, and dance in my room hoping one day i'll work up the balls to get back into formal training. But I wonder, what am I really DOING with myself. I have a plan, an outline, a concept of what I will do. Yet I feel like I'm so far from realizing it. Days like today I feel especially... down. I'm not a very depressed person, at least not anymore, but lately things just seem to be loosing their momentum. The simple things I found such joy in are slowly loosing their vibrance. I really feel this is something I need to correct, because if I don't I'm going to wind up an emotional mess. Again. 

The drama queen in me wants to let me slide backwards. The progress I've made edges me forwards. Either way I find myself stuck.

I found an injured mouse in the middle of the road today. I thought it was dead at first, however its beedy black eyes and the slight movement told me otherwise. I always feel really sad when I find injured animals. Partly because I know that there really isn't anything I can do. But I always try. Even if it turns out to make things worse in the end. I scooped this mouse up out of the snow and into my hands. I told him that it was okay. That I wasn't going to let anything hurt him further. I think a part of his intestines were hanging out of his tummy... or maybe his penis was frozen or something. Either way, this strange protrusion did not bode well for this poor little mamal.

Distressed and confused I didn't quite know what to do. I stood for a while, contemplating my options. I wanted to call my work and ask if they would store it... but the health inspector in me told me that it would not be wise. To bring it all the way to my house just to have it die under my care would be thoughtless and only prolong its suffering.

So I called my boyfriend and started walking. As always Spencer consoled me and told me I was a wonderful person... but I couldnt help but feel like I could be doing more... even though I knew I couldnt. The little mouse was, at that point, curled tightly in a ball in my hand. My warmth was something I would more than gratefully share and since it was all i had to offer I did my best. I curled my hands around the small creature to keep it from freezing.

Ironicly, Spencer persuaded that I simply let nature take its course, and set it down in a safe patch of snow. The snow was soft, and made an ample and comfortable resting place. Hopefully winters cold embrace would slow its heart, and it would fall into a permanent sleep. This is whats on my mind... Were my actions for the best? Did I really do everything i could?...

I'm not so concerned for the mouses life, as its fate is not my choosing, but it made me consider that maybe I have to consider my own actions more carefully. I wonder why I consider my actions for a mouse over my own choices. I wonder if the pat I've planned for myself is right, and if I see it through will I be happy with what I've done? I worry that I will loose my drive, my inspiration. the same inspiration that took years to recover, even partially. 

*sigh* 

Uninspired, but seeking.

Edi- out.